I'm opening a recovery clinic

And it will be the most successful clinic ever. Best part of all, its going to be totally simple. If you are addicting to narcotics, opiate, benzos, anything, well addictive, just follow these simple steps.

1) Stop smelling like shit. So many addicts smell like shit. Both literally and figuratively. For some, this will mean not just taking a shower, but also using soap. For others, it will be either wiping the remainder of shit out of your ass, or find the shit you stepped in, and clean it off.
2) Have all your teeth. Should you be missing some teeth, the clinic's resident dentist will replace them with implants that never can be removed. This way there is no chance of relapse.
3) Dress modern. This goes for both hair and clothes. I'm not exactly sure why, but for some reason having a mullet predisposes one to developing an addiction. Oh, this leads me to a sub-rule...
3b) Wear sleeves. If you are a man, and its below 140 degrees outside, for the love of all thats holy, wear some sleeves. I don't want to see your fat hairy arms, and you don't want to see mine. Ah ha! But I wear sleeves, and I don't suck dick for Vicodin. See, its simple!
4) Speak proper english. Now, this one could be hard, but I believe its fundamental to curing addiction. Let me be clear, this applies to people that speak English as a native language, not English as a second language.
5) Shave. Facial hair is fine, but keep that shit groomed. Nothing says "I love me some Soma and Percocet" like a 6 o'clock shadow from 4 days ago.

Damnit I'm a fucking genius.