Want to increase business

Damnit, I'm on a roll tonight.

Are you looking to increase revenue and business at your pharmacy. I have a fool-proof, sure fire way to do so.

Let me ask you one question. Ever notice how business picks up to furious pace once YOUR lunch starts. This only goes for those of you (99% of pharmacists) that get to work through their lunch. Once you pop that sandwich out of the bag, or rip the seal open on that frozen burrito, it becomes a madhouse at your pharmacy.

If you are on the verge of forclosure, I highly recommend you order out. Get something highly delicious, incredibly savory, and hot. It must be warm. By the time your back in the black, your meal will be room temperature. Its a promise.

Take a sip of your soda, the phone will ring. Take a big bite of a peanut butter sandwich, a customer will pop up out of nowhere. You get the idea.

Sometimes its fun to dick with the phone. Just put the piece of food by your mouth; don't actually start eating it. It will ring, but no one will be on the other end. You:1, Phone: 0. You get the idea.

Anyways, the point is, there is a secret underground community of food servers and your patients. They are watching you all the time and know when you are hungry. They wait for you to go heat up your lunch, and then they storm the store.

I have yet to enjoy one lunch uninterrupted since I've been working. Fuck that. I swear to God its going to make me kill someone.

I'm opening a recovery clinic

And it will be the most successful clinic ever. Best part of all, its going to be totally simple. If you are addicting to narcotics, opiate, benzos, anything, well addictive, just follow these simple steps.

1) Stop smelling like shit. So many addicts smell like shit. Both literally and figuratively. For some, this will mean not just taking a shower, but also using soap. For others, it will be either wiping the remainder of shit out of your ass, or find the shit you stepped in, and clean it off.
2) Have all your teeth. Should you be missing some teeth, the clinic's resident dentist will replace them with implants that never can be removed. This way there is no chance of relapse.
3) Dress modern. This goes for both hair and clothes. I'm not exactly sure why, but for some reason having a mullet predisposes one to developing an addiction. Oh, this leads me to a sub-rule...
3b) Wear sleeves. If you are a man, and its below 140 degrees outside, for the love of all thats holy, wear some sleeves. I don't want to see your fat hairy arms, and you don't want to see mine. Ah ha! But I wear sleeves, and I don't suck dick for Vicodin. See, its simple!
4) Speak proper english. Now, this one could be hard, but I believe its fundamental to curing addiction. Let me be clear, this applies to people that speak English as a native language, not English as a second language.
5) Shave. Facial hair is fine, but keep that shit groomed. Nothing says "I love me some Soma and Percocet" like a 6 o'clock shadow from 4 days ago.

Damnit I'm a fucking genius.

New risk factor for stroke; sodomy*

Thats right, get done dry in the ass has just recently been determined to be a leading cause of recurrent stroke. What do I mean? I'm glad you asked.

See, Plavix is made by Bristol Myers Squibb, and Plavix was losing its patent for exclusivity. That meant that BMS would be losing lots and lots of money since other companies coud start producing and selling the generic. Today is commonplace for big pharma to use the courts' leverage to place legal restrictions on the generic manufacturers while there is debate as to whether or not the patent has really, truly expired. Sure, whatever, they're just protecting their intellectual property. Fine.

But BMS got sneaky and tried a new move. They set up an agreement with Apotex. They promised to give Apotex one day to get their clopidogrel out the door. Apotex had the product approved and just waiting to be shipped out for that one day. BMS gave them one free pass for that day to sell millions, if not billions of generic Plavix. Then BMS would sue or whatever, putting a halt to any more generics being sold. Meanwhile the wholesalers like McKesson and Cardinal could sell what they had to pharmacies.

Here's how BMS bent over America. They knew they would be selling brand Plavix again at some point. They knew this, it was part of their plan. For some reason however, I go to order clopidogrel one day, and my wholesaler has run out. Fine, I'll switch back to Plavix, oh wait, fuck, no Plavix either. BMS, you fucked up. And in case you forgot, your drug keeps people from having strokes and heart attacks. Thats some serious shit.

Now its the nature of patients to not get their refills early like they should, and some are not very persistent in trying to get a refill each day. They are lazy and will wait until they get around to it, thinking that they can go a day or two without their meds. Point being, I promise you that at least some poor grandma out there had a stroke simply because the supply of Plavix had dried up, just so BMS could make some more money. Way to go shitheads.

*sodomy; see anal sex, see also getting fucked in the ass

Steroids

So, I am sitting here, drinking some whiskey, watching Sportscenter, and the issue about whether or not the whole gamut of sluggers that were more or less tied to steroid use should gain entrance to the baseball hall of fame. I personally doubt that steroids is all that significant to the ability of one to hit a baseball the requisite distance needed to round the bases. Its far more important that solid contact be made with the ball than massive muscles be swinging the bat. Its a speed and contact issue, not strength. Anyways, it reminded me of an episode at work this last week...

I get a call from a guy asking for, and I quote, 25 gauge half inch needles, sans the syringe. Just the needle. Methinks this is an awfully specific request, but, being in a decent mood (the week was almost over) I played dumb, and told him we had some. Oh, and for what its worth, I asked this very young sounding guy what he needed them for, and he claimed diabetes. Sure, whatever.

So, dingleberry shows up, and he is quite a sight. He is probably, oh, 21, wearing a hooded sweatshirt, tight like spandex from his enormous upper body he squeezed into it. This is the point at which I remember that I can deny him sale if I suspect he does not have a legitimate medical need for said needles. Anyways, I give him the run around, he gets flustered, and I have a good time. The part of it all that I love the most is when I ask him what medication he is injecting. He claims his physician hasn't prescribed it yet. Yeah, I get that a lot. Lots of people telling me they need some insulin syringes, but their physician is keeping which insulin a big super secret happy suprise. It makes your diabetes more festive. Hooray! There's cake for everyone! (Except you, you have diabetes).